I see you on Mother's Day

Sweet sister, who is walking through another holiday that triggers more pain than joy.

I see you.

For the mother who is struggling to find your peace during this day.

I see you.

For the mother who is hoping to get a text or call today, just wanting to know your child is OK and thinking about you too.

I see you.

You are not alone. I know it hurts to not be living that picture perfect Mother's Day, children by your side at breakfast, lunch or dinner, sitting next to you at church, or in photos smiling and standing by with handwritten notes, flowers, and gifts.

I see you.

I realize that motherhood is one of the greatest blessings for most women. And that the majority of women can't wait to be called "mom". Yet, there are thousands upon thousands of women enduring the most heartbreaking season of their lives as a single mom - no support, working two or three jobs to make ends meet, and they are dealing with a toxic ex who has turned the very children she bore against her.

If you too are dealing with and grieving estranged children because of divorce or abuse, then I pray this post not only gives you hope, but that it will encourage you to live your best life now by focusing on your own inner healing journey. You can't pour into your children from an empty cup. Fill yours up with truth and let the freedom you receive break all the lies, manipulation and control off of you and your children!

Mother's Day triggers so many emotions within me. From losing my own mother 8 years ago, to how hard our relationship was most of my life. To how awful her mother treated her and the pain she caused everyone in her life. My grandmother was not kind, nurturing, or gentle - especially not with her words.

She left a legacy of trauma that has affected three generations.

Despite the pain my mother and our relationship caused us, there isn't a day that I don't wish I could talk to her about what I've faced since she left this earth 8 years ago. There isn't a day I don't wish I would have known what I learned 3 years ago. I wish I would have understood her own childhood trauma and the immense pain it left on her emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I wish I understood the effects of trauma like I do today.

When you’ve grown up with unmet needs, inconsistent care, or even outright trauma, the word mother itself can stir ambivalence. For some, it’s a longing for what never was; for others, it’s a word that triggers pain, guilt, or loss.

And yet, when we step into the role of mother ourselves—as post-traumatic parents determined to break cycles and parent with intention—we face a new challenge: how to reconcile what we are giving to our children with what we never received.

Unfortunately, trauma and inner childhood healing wasn't spoken about like it is everywhere today. No one spoke about how damaging early childhood trauma is and how it can affect every relationship you have in life, nor your ability to be the mom you hope and desire to be.

My mom sadly wasn't given the tools I use with my clients or that my own therapy coach uses with me. She wasn't taught how to heal the pain she carried that was never her fault and most certainly not what God intended for her life.

She was abused physically, verbally, emotionally, and forced to have an abortion at 16. She was sent away to have it done by an evil doctor who didn't care about her or the child she was forced to kill. No one should be treated so inhumanely. No one.

My mom didn't grow up knowing God's love, mercy and grace, nor did she have a relationship with Jesus until I began to pour his love into her every day the last nine months of her life. She was able to forgive all who mistreated her and herself. It was the most beautiful season of our lives and one I will cherish for the rest of my life. God opened the doors of heaven for my mom, and He made sure I knew that one day we would be together with Him for all eternity. That conversation we had days before she left this side of heaven has helped me hold onto my faith and trust in God like nothing else could or will.

The trauma my mom never meant to pass down to me is what I've spent the last three years undoing. I've had to dig deep into places within my heart and soul that are so painful I didn't think I could handle another moment or day. And it is the most important work I will do before He calls me home. I've had to forgive so much in my life.

My favorite quote is "Know better DO BETTER."

What I didn't know as a young mother and throughout raising traumatized adopted children, while I was being abused was a recipe for disaster. Motherhood became another source of trauma in my life and without the tools, understanding, and truth to set us all free, I was silently screaming inside for a way out. The last thing I wanted to do was cause more pain in anyone else's life let alone my own children. But I did.

And I now know that my reality (early childhood and marriage to my ex) didn't set me up to be the mother I wanted to be, or my children needed. We both got robbed of the relationship we both deserved to break generations of trauma. The trauma I endured as an unequipped mother or with the proper support I needed to help us all come out healthy is a pain I live with every day. Yet, I refuse to let it win and steal my ability to live with great joy, hope, and love. In 2024, I made a commitment to myself and God to make it my sole focus to dedicate the time and energy necessary to heal myself and break every generational trauma (curse) passed onto me.

Children do NOT and can NOT understand that you were unable to be the mom they "wanted or needed" while you were being abused. They don't see their lives through your experience and should NOT until they are old enough to comprehend there were two realities happening at the same time.

Yours and theirs. They were watching you. Maybe your ex caused you to become silent, afraid, angry, resentful, bitter, explosive, depressed, anxious, timid, unable to be touched or to touch.

All things out of your character. But their reality of you during those years before you left - caused them confusion. Why? Because they didn't know your reality.

They were being concealed from it and shielded from the truth. All of our children have lost in this scenario. They are all collateral damage and we as the women working on healing must first stop allowing any abuse, disrespect and the lies/control/manipulation etc. to stop in that parent/child relationship. No matter what the ex is doing or saying - can NOT and will never define who we are and continue to become in our healing.

I'm praying for all of you and every woman facing this reality. The truth sets us free, but it doesn't stop the pain we must slowly and consistently work to heal from. You are not alone!

I see you.

It's our time to truly pick up our pearls and stop giving them to swine. Matthew 7:6

Yes, adult and teen children might need to be put on pause in your life so you can truly live the LIFE GOD has intended for you - until they can respect who you are and treat you with the dignity you deserve. Forgive them and pray God leads the way for a bridge to be built for who you are now and what you can offer them today.

I hope this video I made last year will give you some peace and offer you words of truth to share with your teen and adult children.

The word bereaved is typically tied to the loss of someone through death—but there’s another kind of grief that doesn’t get talked about enough: the deep, aching sorrow of losing a child who is still alive yet absent by choice. Estrangement, ghosting, alienation… it’s a kind of mourning that lingers in silence.

To every mother walking through this quiet kind of heartbreak on Mother’s Day —please know you’re not alone. I, too, carry the pain of a child(ren) who has chosen distance. These days meant to celebrate motherhood can cut deep for us.

I promise that one day the pain will stop. The silence won’t hurt. The anger will be replaced with calm. The sadness will be replaced with joy. And peace will be your constant friend.

Until then, it’s necessary to make self-care a priority. So, each day ensure you take care of you. Free your mind of all lies and beliefs that come against what God says about you.

And finally, please don't put the pressure of an Instagram perfect Mother's Day upon you. It is Ok to both celebrate who you are today and the mom you fought to become, while grieving what isn't and never was for you as a young girl. Your inner child may be silently hurting today, and yet, you can choose to celebrate the immense strength it has taken to face all the pain in your story to become the woman you are today. Sweet sister, that is worth celebrating! Let today carry all that you need - sorrow and joy, pain and victory, setbacks and triumphs, and be sure you honor it all! You are amazing! You are enough! You are a great mom! You are worthy! You are so incredible for showing up each day striving to do your best! You are changing things whether your children experience it or not today. They benefit from every day that you are choosing TO HEAL YOU and breaking cycles of generational trauma.

Sending love and strength from my heart to yours!

God bless your health and inner healing,

Jill | INNER HEALING COACH

ICF Certified Somatic Integrated Trauma Informed Coach ™

CPD Accredited & Certified Integrated Trauma Informed Coach™

Certified Narcissistic Trauma Informed Coach ™

Certified Narcissistic Abuse Specialist ™

Certified Brainspotting Practitioner

Certified Mental Wellness Coach

PS: I’ve opened up four 1:1 coaching spots to help you transform your life in 90 days. Simply message me to learn more. These spots are for those who are truly ready to break free and become the person you’ve dared to dream possible. One choice at a time for lasting change. No gimmicks or empty promises. Proven steps that impact every cell in your mind and body. I will guide and support you. You will do the work. God will do the rest!

www.innerhealingcoaching.com Questions, please email myinnerhealingcoach@gmail.com 

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NOTE: I AM NOT a licensed medical professional. Please seek a medical professional for treatments, medical advice, or before you start any new wellness protocol.

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