Estranged Motherhood: The Global Series

A collection of healing, truth, and restoration by Jill | Inner Healing Coach

Part 1 — When Your Children Believe the Abuser

There is a wound so deep that most mothers never speak it out loud. A pain that sits in the body, the throat, the chest, the places words often can’t reach.

It is the pain of watching your own children believe the person who hurt you.

Not strangers. Not acquaintances. Your children.

The ones you protected. The ones you sacrificed for. The ones you stood between and chaos for. The ones you hid the truth from so they could feel safe — even while you were being broken down.

This kind of heartbreak is unlike any other.

Because being abused is one trauma. Being disbelieved by the people you protected is another. And being blamed for the abuse you survived? That is a wound that cuts directly into the soul of a mother.

But before we go any further, before we talk about what happened, before we touch the betrayal, the heartbreak, and the confusion…

I need you to hear this with your whole heart:

**You were always worthy. You were always lovable. You were always important. And nothing about your past changes your value as a woman or as a mother.**

Your trauma shaped your reactions — but it did NOT define your love. Your overwhelm reflected stress — not lack of devotion. Your moments of breaking were symptoms — not failures.

And here is the truth that every mother, every daughter, every son needs to understand:

**You were not just exposed to my pain —you were harmed by the circumstances that caused it.** 

We were ALL living inside an abusive environment.

You as a woman. Your children as kids. The home as a system.

You didn’t choose it. Your children didn’t choose it. But you were all affected by it.

Your daughter did not see the abuse. She saw your exhaustion. Your son did not see the manipulation. He saw your tears. Your children did not see the emotional warfare. They saw you struggling to hold a collapsing family together by yourself.

They saw the smoke —not the fire.

They saw the symptoms —not the cause.

Children don’t have the capacity to understand “context.” They only understand “impact.” And the impact of abuse on a household is devastating — even when the abuse isn’t directed at them.

Before Any Mother Sends a Letter — This Must Be Understood

Letters are powerful — but they are the last resort, not the first step.

Before a mother turns to writing, she should always attempt:

1. Face-to-face communication (if safe and possible)

2. A calm voice note

3. A short, regulated text message

Only after these attempts are blocked or rejected does a letter become the right tool.

Why? Because children — especially those influenced by trauma, manipulation, loyalty binds, or distorted narratives —can feel overwhelmed, pressured, cornered, or emotionally unsafe when handed a long message out of nowhere.

And your goal is not to push them.

Not to “win."

Not to force reconciliation.

Not to demand understanding.

Your goal is simple:

Truth, clarity, safety, compassion, and healing — without pressure.

So every child must know from the very beginning:

• This is not about choosing sides

• This is not about hurting the other parent

• This is not about forcing closeness

• This is not about guilt

This is about understanding the difference between:

The intimate relationship between the parents

and

The parental relationship between parent and child

Those two dynamics are entirely separate — but children growing up in homes of trauma confuse them every time.

They cannot separate:

“I see my mom hurting → therefore she must be the problem.”

But the truth is:

The abuser didn’t just hurt the mother — they hurt the children every single day that she was being broken down.

Because every day a woman is:

• targeted

• manipulated

• controlled

• gaslit

• punished

• emotionally drained

• mentally overwhelmed

• financially trapped

• spiritually suppressed

…her children are harmed too. 

Even if the abuser never lifts a hand toward them.

Every day she loses joy, stability, peace, clarity, emotional grounding, and presence —

the children lose a piece of her too.

Not because she didn’t love them. Because she was surviving.

This is a truth every child deserves to know:

You were not the cause of my pain. You were caught in it.

The Hidden Layer: Courts, Systems, & “Disney Dad” Dynamics

Another truth children must understand — gently and without tearing anyone down — is this:

Children are often divided not just by the abuser, but by the systems that protect them.

Many mothers are ordered into:

• exchanges with someone who hurt them

• custody agreements that do not account for emotional abuse

• visitation schedules that ignore the danger of manipulation

• legal restrictions that silence her side of the story

The courts often see:

A regulated abuser vs. A traumatized mother

And the traumatized mother is punished for “emotion” while the abuser is rewarded for “calm.”

This leads to “Disney Dad” situations where:

• there are no rules

• no boundaries

• no accountability

• no structure

• no emotional repair

…and children naturally gravitate toward the environment that feels easier.

Not healthier. Not safer. Just easier.

It is manipulation disguised as freedom -and children do not have the development to see the difference.

They don’t choose the abusive parent because they’re bad. They choose them because it’s psychologically safer and less emotionally demanding.

And this is NOT the child’s fault.

This is trauma. This is the system. This is the manipulation cycle.

Children in abusive homes are abused too — even if no one ever laid a hand on them.

This is not an attack on the other parent. This is not a campaign to tear anyone down. This is the truth, spoken with steadiness and without venom:

You were not the cause of my pain. You were caught in it. And you deserved a mother who wasn’t being quietly destroyed.

your children?

They deserved a home that was healthy, honest, stable, and safe.

Why Children Often Believe the Abuser

This is the part no one teaches mothers — the part that leaves them confused, ashamed, or feeling like failures.

Children typically side with the parent who:

• seems calmer (even when they’re the abuser)

• controls the narrative

• offers simpler explanations

• doesn’t show visible pain

• makes them feel needed or special

• avoids accountability and pushes blame outward

A child’s nervous system is designed to choose the version of the story that feels the least threatening.

Believing the abusive parent often feels safer than believing the truth.

It protects them psychologically —but it deeply wounds the parent who survived.

THIS is where mothers need clarity and where children need truth:

Children deserve to know that naming abuse is not destroying the parent they love —

it’s destroying the lie that destroyed the family.

This doesn’t mean teaching them to hate their father. This doesn’t mean positioning them against him. This doesn’t mean stripping away their relationship with him.

But it DOES mean giving them permission to understand what actually happened:

• The abuse — not the mother and not the children — fractured the family.

• The abuse — not the mother and not the children — created the instability.

• The abuse — not the mother and not the children — shaped the emotional landscape of their childhood.

And now, as adults, your children deserve clarity.

Not to hurt them.

Not to shame them.

Not to force reconciliation.

But to free them.

Free them from confusion. Free them from guilt. Free them from the distorted narratives that shaped their identity. Free them from the belief that “Mom was the problem” when the reality was far more complex.

The Pain Your Children Carry Is Real — But So Is the Cause

Nothing in this series will ever minimize your children’s hurt. Their feelings are valid. Their experiences are real. Their childhood interpretations had meaning.

But feelings do not equal facts. Interpretation does not equal truth. Perspective does not equal the full picture.

Your children were wounded. But they were wounded inside the same storm that was harming you.

This is not an excuse for their pain. This is the origin of it.

So Where Do You Stand Now?

Here: On the other side of the fire. 

Still standing. 

Still healing. 

Still loving. 

Still willing to tell the truth. 

Still willing to give your children clarity when they are ready.

Because one day — through maturity, therapy, parenting their own children, or simply life experience — many adult children return seeking answers.

And when they do, they will discover:

You didn’t abandon them. You didn’t fail them. You didn’t break the family.

You survived what tried to kill you — and you did your best to protect them in a war they didn’t know was happening.

This is Part 1. And it is only the beginning.

Before you close this page, I want to place two resources in your hands — not as pressure, and not as obligation, but as support for a journey you were never meant to walk alone.

1. Download the Free Letters to Estranged Children

I created a full library of letters — firm and safe boundaries, clear, trauma-informed, compassionate, and ready for you to personalize.

They are free. They are thoughtful. And they are meant to be used only when your heart is ready, and only when your child is unable to hear your voice in any other way.

These letters are not tools of persuasion. They are bridges. They are truth spoken with dignity and emotional safety.

Download your free letters here: 

_FREE LETTER COLLECTION FOR ESTRANGED MOTHERS.pdf

Download PDF • 373KB

2. If You’re Ready for the Next Layer of Your Own Healing

Estrangement leaves wounds that reach far deeper than the surface. If you feel stuck in grief, living in survival mode, questioning your worth, or struggling under the weight of emotional and spiritual exhaustion, your healing deserves intentional support.

I want to invite you into the programs I created from my own journey through trauma, faith, recovery, and restoration:

• The Inner Healing Journey Method™ A faith-based, trauma-informed pathway to reclaim your identity, regulate your nervous system, and rebuild your emotional and spiritual foundation.

• Redeeming Your Love – Safe & Sacred Dating After Abuse & Divorce For the woman rebuilding her heart, learning to trust herself again, and stepping into healthy, wise, spirit-led relationships.

These programs were designed for women who carried more than anyone knew. Women who held their families through storms. Women who are finally ready to heal on a deeper level.

A Final Word to Your Heart

Your story is not over. Your motherhood is not erased. Your worth is not diminished. Your pain is not wasted.

God restores. Truth rises. Healing is your portion.

I am honored to walk this part of the journey with you.

Jill | Inner Healing Coach

@innerhealingcoach

Deceit Unmasked: A Faith-Based Guide to Protecting Your Heart in Dating

$10.95

Buy Now